One of the greatest challenges for me as I adapt myself to the new environment is accepting myself. Ironically, it is people who accept me warmly and understand the psychological and cultural difference we share, whilst I don't. I can't seem to accept myself - the way I speak, the way I respond, the places I've been to, the things I've done - all seem inferior when compared right next to theirs. My only secret and personal refuge is in knowing that my thoughts and mind are not inferior. But what use is there is the avenues by which they are expressed and exposed are?
I struggle to form my own identity. I struggle to move away from the paradigm that East=good and yet, the only thing that hits me when in competition with them, is how much I lack and how much they don't. They seem to know so much more - in part due to their education, in part to the places they've been traveling to, and in part due to their experiences. They've seen so much, been taught to challenge and read and understand so much more. I admit that it is only since December of 2007, after my A-Level, that I had begun to cultivate that empty vastness that occupies part of my mind. I look back over the one year I had tried to groom myself up as much as I can on the things I had missed - picking up whatever pieces of the broken glass to fix - and I must say that, despite the few chips and chaps at the corners, I have done quite well.
But quite well is never enough. Quite well only means so well so that you're acknowledged only for your effort. What I want, what I need is to do exceptionally well - and I have yet to feel that sense of accomplishment. I do everything just there - enough to be considered good and decent. Sometimes I try, and sometimes I do not bother.
I struggle to form my own identity. I struggle to move away from the paradigm that East=good and yet, the only thing that hits me when in competition with them, is how much I lack and how much they don't. They seem to know so much more - in part due to their education, in part to the places they've been traveling to, and in part due to their experiences. They've seen so much, been taught to challenge and read and understand so much more. I admit that it is only since December of 2007, after my A-Level, that I had begun to cultivate that empty vastness that occupies part of my mind. I look back over the one year I had tried to groom myself up as much as I can on the things I had missed - picking up whatever pieces of the broken glass to fix - and I must say that, despite the few chips and chaps at the corners, I have done quite well.
But quite well is never enough. Quite well only means so well so that you're acknowledged only for your effort. What I want, what I need is to do exceptionally well - and I have yet to feel that sense of accomplishment. I do everything just there - enough to be considered good and decent. Sometimes I try, and sometimes I do not bother.
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